


with you

by drqco



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Cats, Fluff, M/M, Post-Mike
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:20:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25495990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drqco/pseuds/drqco
Summary: sonny looks to his left, seeing a soaked, cardboard box. he shakes his head as he gets closer, looking inside. inside lays a small cat, orange and white. on the outside of the box, written in marker, it says “please take him.” the cat shivers, trembles, right in front of sonny. sonny can’t leave him.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Mike Dodds, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	with you

**Author's Note:**

> OK THIS FIC IS FOR [phil](https://twitter.com/sergeantdodds), it was all phil's idea, this whole mike cat thing that brought dorisi twitter to literal shambles. love ur brain but im in so much pain lmao 
> 
> some stuff, idk when mike's bday is so in this fic i just put andy karl's birth okay ENJOY PLEASE 
> 
> follow me on [twit](https://twitter.com/SAPPHICTAMIN) too lol
> 
> and if u see me projecting / venting onto sonny no u didnt lmao

sonny carisi is a religious man through and through, and he knows he’ll stay that way. He has complete faith and trust in God, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t allowed to question, sometimes. some things are childish, like why did He decide to make the Earth round? other times, deep, thoughtful questions. why did this kid deserve to be hurt by their own parents? why are murderers and rapists allowed to walk? 

why is mike gone? 

he thinks deeply about it, as he sits in the church. during reflection, he kneels and looks to the sky, as if to ask, “why mike?” the man he loved so deeply, the person he was certain he wanted to spend his life with, the person who cared for him and was there always, taken away by a stupid man. sonny understands that he’ll never get the answer, but he still sits and asks. 

\--- 

“hey, carisi? do you want to head home? i can send you out early, no big deal,” sonny looks up from his stack of papers, rubbing his forehead when he makes eye contact with his lieutenant. he gives liv a small smile, shrugging, “it’s just some papers. i can finish.” 

“exactly, carisi. save them for tomorrow,” she nods. “you okay with everything? i know you and mike were best friends,” liv places a hand on his shoulder. 

_he was the love of my life. we had everything planned. the farm, our animals, our wedding, everything. i’m barely keeping it together, i can’t even look at his desk without having to go to the restroom to cry. i’m going to really lose it, one day, liv._ he thinks. 

“yeah,” sonny shrugs, letting out a sigh as he gets up. liv nods at him, before turning away to her own office. when he looks over at rollins and fin, they give him the same look of pity. they haven’t really talked about mike, either. sonny doesn’t know how they feel, maybe he should, maybe he isn’t being a good friend, but he just misses mike. “take the day off tomorrow, carisi, huh?”

“no, it’s alright, rollins. see you, you too, fin,” fin gives him a little wave, amanda pats him as he passes by. he makes eye contact with some other officers, who give him the same look of pity. sonny rubs at his eyes, opening up his umbrella as he exits the precinct.  


it was a rainy day, the day after mike’s funeral. it was fitting, sonny thought. the world was crying. a day to mourn his best friend. sonny couldn’t, stay in his apartment, he means. he hasn’t moved anything, nothing had changed. the smell of mike was gone, but his things were scattered all around. his clothes, his aftershave, his cologne, his toothbrush, even his book that he hadn’t been able to finish. mike was planning to move in next month, when his lease ended. he can’t anymore. 

“hey,” someone walks into him, and he feels dry. sonny shakes his head, staring at the woman who was looking at him quizzically. she grabs his arm and moves it so he holds his umbrella above him. “you’re getting soaked,” she murmurs, before moving past him, going on her way. sonny realizes he had stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, drenched from head to toe. he couldn’t get on the subway like this, and there was no way a taxi could take him. but sonny was okay with walking, he needs it to clear his head. 

sonny heads on his way, head down. he lets the sounds of manhattan fill his ears, cloud his brain, so he didn’t have to think for himself. (it was no use, he knew, in the end. he’d still go back to his apartment. quiet, but deafening.) 

he’s turns the last corner to his apartment, almost home. on the way, he steps into a large puddle, splashing it all around. thankfully, no one was on the sidewalk, so he didn’t get it on anyone. just himself, but he was already so wet he didn’t feel a difference. he’s about to keep going when he hears purring. 

sonny looks to his left, seeing a soaked, cardboard box. he shakes his head as he gets closer, looking inside. inside lays a small cat, orange and white. on the outside of the box, written in marker, it says “please take him.” the cat shivers, trembles, right in front of sonny. sonny can’t leave him. 

“hey, hey,” he coos softly, putting down his umbrella and reaching into the box to try and pick him up. the cat doesn’t make any move to scratch or bite, he simply nuzzles his head against sonny’s palm. he picks him up, and it reveals a note. 

“his name is mike. take care of him. i’m sorry.” 

after reading, he stumbles back a little, almost dropping the cat—mike. and suddenly, there are tears coming out of his eyes, mixing in with the rain. “shit,” he murmurs, now holding mike at arms reach. he moves his paws, like he longs for him. sonny shakes his head, his hair falling onto his forehead. he cradles mike close with one arm, moving to try and wipe his tears with his other hand. 

“c’mon, i’ll take you home,” his voice breaks. 

\---  


“stay on the towel, okay? i’m going to take a shower, then i’ll clean you,” sonny lays out a towel on the ground, placing mike on top. mike meows, and sonny gives him a little pat. as sonny moves to the bathroom, mike was already up and by his foot, nuzzling it. groaning, sonny puts him back. but it’s no use, every time, mike follows. 

“okay, fine, you can wait in the bathroom,” he lets mike follow him into the bathroom. sonny closes the door behind him, wincing when he remembers the trail of water he left to get here. mike curls up by the door, looking up at him. 

when sonny finishes and is changed into some pajamas, he decides to give mike a bath, too. he feels something heavy in his chest, something that he can’t place, but it’s there. then mike nuzzles his palm again, and sonny lets out a chuckle. a proper one, not one of those fake, weird puffs of air he’d do to show everyone that yeah, he was okay. scratching mike behind the ears, he picks him up and places him on the countertop, turning around to grab a towel. 

when he turns back, mike was playing with something between his paws. upon closer inspection, sonny realizes that it was mike’s aftershave, a small, red bottle. sonny watches as he fiddles with it, rolling it back and forth. and suddenly, it reminds him. 

_”sonny! how do i look?” mike steps out of the doorway, showing off his freshly shaved face. it was after he went undercover, and decided to grow a beard. sonny laughs at his boyfriend from his bed, saying, “good, mike. did you put aftershave?”_

_“about to,” mike throws the red bottle between his hands, wiggling his eyebrows, before disappearing back into the bathroom. sonny smiles to himself, burying himself back into his covers._

“hey,” he stammers, grabbing the bottle and placing it back on the counter. sonny shakes his head at mike, before drying him with the towel. there’s another mewl, before mike hops off the counter. sonny pushes the door open and lets mike explore the apartment. sonny stumbles out and makes it to the couch before breaking down. 

he’s never cried this hard in his life, ever. of course, he cried when mike died, at his funeral, whenever he looked at his desk, but not this hard. the sobs shake his whole body, and he heaves and heaves until he feels there’s no more air. his shirt gets wet, his hands are like he dipped them in a bowl of water, and he feels so lost and confused. perhaps it’s finally hitting him, today, that mike was really, truly, gone. 

the apartment is filled with his cries, and he’s curled up onto his couch, trying to calm himself down. but he can’t. there’s no one there to hold him, tell him that it’s going to be alright, he’s safe. just alone, like he was before mike. he’s freezing. 

he doesn’t know how much time passes when he feels something warm press against him. sonny turns to lay on his back, and mike crawls on top of him, sitting down on his chest. sonny’s sniffles, trying to smile at his new pet. mike gives him the same look as when he first met him, head tilted, like he’s analyzing him. shakily, sonny strokes mike’s soft orange and white fur. mike ends up crawling closer, before laying down on top of him. but before he does, mike reaches a paw out, touching his cheek. 

sonny understands, for once.

\--- 

“mike?” sonny calls into his apartment, back home from work and his therapy appointment. it took him a while, but he finally scheduled an appointment. mike had been telling him to go to a session, but between work and school, he just couldn’t right now, he’d say. right now, sonny knows that it was a good time to go. it was odd at first, he wasn’t used to being open to someone (other than mike), but nice. soothing, in a way. 

he’s had mike for two months now, but mike fit right in. he was gentle and soft, but also playful. he never tore up his couch, or his slippers or his papers or anything, really. but mike liked to play with his toy duck. sonny would laugh when he saw mike dragging his duck around the apartment. but there were times when mike would mess with human mike’s things. like his jacket, or his toothbrush. it hurt, and after seeing that, he’d break down like he did the night he found mike. and time and time again, mike would be at his side. 

he lays his bag on the couch and shrugs off his jacket to hang it up (next to mike’s, which he still hasn’t moved). when he turns the corner to his bedroom and steps inside, he finds mike. he was sleeping onto of mike’s slippers. chococat slippers, from sonny’s niece’s birthday. she had grown an obsession with sanrio, but when they went to go buy her gift, mike ended up getting chococat slippers himself, claiming they were soft and warm for his feet. 

_”mike, no grown man should be wearing chococat slippers.”_

_”sonny. it’s like walking on clouds. if i didn’t have a reputation to uphold i’d be wearing these 24/7,” mike walks into the kitchen with the slippers on his feet. sonny shakes his head again, turning back to the fish he was cooking in the pan. mike comes from behind, wrapping his arms around his waist and pressing kisses to sonny’s head. “admit it. they’re cute,” mike murmurs. he would never._

_”no way, go and make yourself useful and set the table,” he pushes mike away and they both laugh. out of the corners of his eyes, he sees mike following his directions and setting the table, humming to himself. his eyes travel down to his stupid slippers, and sonny knows who he wants to spend the rest of his life with then and there._

for the first time, sonny doesn’t breakdown when he sees mike there. sonny sits and leans against the wall, sighing to himself as he rubs mike’s back, running his hands through his fur. he reminisces, remembers, and closes his eyes to imagine his life if mike were still here. real mike, anyway. 

\--- 

august rolls around quicker than sonny would like. august 27, to be exact, mike’s birthday. he’s been dreading it for forever, but he ends up getting up, anyway. he rubs at his eyes, looking at mike, who was still sleeping in his little bed that sonny got for him. 

it’s a sunday, meaning he’ll go to mass, and after, well, he didn’t know what to do after. all he knows is that he’s going to mass and say a prayer for mike, like he always does. sonny stretches his limbs, yawning as he gets ready for the morning. it’s a quiet day, without the usual honking of cars outside or yelling. just a soft, warm, fall day, one of mike’s favorites. as he makes his way into his bathroom, he touches mike’s hoodie softly, which was still lying on top of his dresser. he hasn’t moved anything yet, but he knows he should. his therapy sessions have been building up to a moment, where he can finally let go of mike and start anew. 

but not today. later. 

sonny steps out of the shower and dries himself off, staring at his reflection in the mirror. if he were to be honest with himself, he didn’t look much better than before. same tired eyes, a smile that wasn’t true, sadness that he felt throughout his body. it was like it pushed past his skin and made its way into his bones, weighing him down. he feels it in his chest, his stomach, his head. like a disease. it’s not himself he sees in the mirror, even five months after mike’s death. someone different. 

“meow,” mike is suddenly right next to him, hopping up on the counter. his eyes are droopy, ears down. mike seemed sleepy, yet he was here, watching him get ready. sonny reaches over to scratch behind his ears, picking him up to rock him back and forth, like a baby. mike touches his paw against sonny’s cheek again, bringing attention to the stubble sonny’s been growing. sonny lets go of mike to rub his hand against the rough hair, before telling mike, “yeah. i think it’s time.” 

_”okay, sun, i think it’s time you shave,” mike lies next to him, pulling away, scrunching his nose. sonny feels the stubble against his skin, rough after not shaving for a few weeks after being undercover. it’s early in the morning, before work. the sun was just starting to rise, the sheets were warm and mike was warm, the last thing he wanted to do was leave this bed. “mike, you’re warm,” he mumbles, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend. he lays quietly, burying his face into mike’s soft shirt. they didn’t need to get up for another hour._

_“c’mon, sonny. i’ll help you shave,” mike pats him, before getting up. sonny moans when the warmth leaves, reaching out for him. but mike grabs his hands and pulls him out of bed. with half-lidded eyes, he leans against mike as they make their way into the bathroom. mike pushes him onto the counter, letting him sit. sonny yawns, closing his eyes, trying to fall asleep right there. suddenly, mike is between his legs, lathering on the shaving cream. sonny tries to make a move to kiss him, but mike laughs and pulls back. “after, sonny.”_

_sonny opens his eyes and is met with a look of determination on mike, with his tongue sticking out a little and dark brown hair sticking everywhere. sonny rests his hands on mike’s hips and pulls him even closer._

“how’s it look?” he asks the ginger cat, showing off his face. sonny swears he sees mike smile at him, so he picks him up and presses a small kiss to his nose. when he stares at himself in the mirror again, holding mike, he sees someone else. 

\--- 

before the new year, sonny starts to pack up mike’s things. 

things have changed, since august. for one, he’s gone out more often. with his friends, his family, mostly. he still enjoys spending time with jesse and billie, and he plays baseball with noah somedays. he’s started seeing rafael more too, not on dates or anything, but as friends. they drink together, eat together, and sonny loves every moment. sometimes, it makes him feel guilty, like he was forgetting mike. he doesn’t think that feeling will ever go away. rafael was also the only person he’s told (other than william dodds) about him and mike being together. rafael didn’t give him a look of pity, didn’t abandon him, but he said, “i think i knew something was going on. you would look at dodds like he hung the moon.” 

when rafael held him as he cried, he felt—better. another weight lifted off his shoulders. 

but sonny decides to start in the bedroom, his clothing first. he has a few cardboard boxes next to him, with mike next to him as well. in the background, sonny plays a playlist that he and mike made a while ago, when they were drunk. it was almost all abba. 

when sonny starts, he thought he’d start crying, breaking down. but he slowly goes through mike’s clothing, shirts, pants, sweaters, remembering. he remembers mike in each article of clothing, smiles to himself as he remembers. he gets to the bottom of the last drawer, when he sees mike’s uniform. folded up neatly, with the cap on top. sonny lets out a chuckle, holding the cap between his hands.  


mike gets up at that, and sonny lets him sit between his legs, the cap hovering over mike’s small head. sonny places the large cap onto mike’s head, and it tilts to the side. mike’s head disappears into the cap, but he doesn’t make a move to take it off. for a moment, a brief moment, sonny sees mike. 

_”i like the cap on you,” sonny murmurs in mike’s ear, as they motion for cars to move forward. they already got the DNA they needed, but they had to make sure there weren’t any suspicions. just a few more cars, and they’d be able to go home. mike looks good, even in a police uniform. it’s the cap, sonny knows. “are you flirting on the job, carisi?” mike teases, shining his flashlight at his face, before pulling it away. the cap rests lopsided on mike’s head, so sonny leans over to put it in place._

_”can’t help it, dodds,” sonny winks back, turning away from him to focus on the car coming up._

“i like the cap on you,” he brushes his finger against mike’s cheek, the soft whiskers tickling his fingers. there’s a feeling of peace, contentedness washing over him. mike mewls, opting to lay down, the cap still on his head. before sonny could reach over and put the uniform in the box, he decides to pull out his phone. staring at mike in old mike’s cap, it’s like something was speaking to him. 

_[sonny: rafael, are you free this week?]_

\--- 

_”you excited for tomorrow?” sonny asks mike, breaking the silence between them. he stares at his boyfriend across him, with tired eyes. “i guess. mostly for our farm visit, but the cake too,” mike lets out a chuckle. they were planning on visiting a farm upstate tomorrow, after mike said his goodbyes. it was a dream of both of theirs, to go out and live on a farm. with chickens, pigs, horses, cows, geese, everything. they’d have a dumb tractor too, because of mike._

_”i’m going to miss you,” sonny tells him, laying a hand on his cheek. they were still going to see each other everyday, given the fact that they basically shared an apartment now. all of mike’s things were here, anyway. but he’ll still miss him, seeing him at his desk, being his partner. but change was good. the two of them will grow, adapt._

_“i’m with you always, sun,” mike lifts sonny’s palm from his cheek, pressing it to his lips, kissing it. love is so eminent between them, but sonny feels something else, deep in his stomach. dread, fear. but when mike looks at him this way, with soft, tired eyes, a scrunched nose, a smile, a kiss pressed to his palm, all sonny can do is shake it away._

with a grunt, sonny opens his eyes. his dream was a memory, a memory of the day before sonny’s life all went to hell. he remembers those words replaying in his head over and over again, and the anger he felt. he’d call mike a liar, when he lay awake alone. “you left me!” like a broken record. 

now, tears begin to collect at the corner of his eyes, but it’s new. not sadness, not anger, but hopefulness. peacefulness. his body is at ease, something different, strange and unknown rests inside him now. across from him, mike is curled up onto mike’s pillow. his cat purrs softly with every breath, fast asleep. 

“you’re my mike, hm?” sonny whispers, resting his hand on mike’s head, similar to what he did in his memory. “all this time, you’ve been with me,” his voice breaks a little, but he doesn’t wipe his tears away. mike purrs a bit louder, rubbing his head into sonny’s palm. 

“tomorrow, mike. i’ll show you something.” with that, sonny closes his eyes again, falling into a peaceful sleep. 

\--- 

mike loves his new home. 

it’s a big, he likes to play with the toy duck his human got him. his human is tall, way bigger than himself. but mikes loves it when his human smiles at him, or hugs him, or holds his paw. in return, he’ll nuzzle up to him, rest his head on his lap while his human pets his head. it’s one of mike’s favorite feelings. 

he hates it when his human’s sad. he feels it, deep in his heart. someone hurt him, or something’s hurting within him. mike wishes he could understand, but instead he tries to wipe the water coming out of his human’s eyes so his human could smile. 

the first night, he remembers playing with a small red bottle, flipping it between his paws. mike tried to be funny about it, make this new human laugh, but the human pulled the bottle away. but when mike looked up at him, it was like he remembered something. 

sometimes, he’d lay on the comfy slippers that used to be in his human’s room. they looked like him, just a different color. they were soft, like he was sleeping on those fluffy things in the sky. it was one of his favorite spots, until his human took them away. but in the end, mike was alright with it. after taking them away, his tall human looked a bit happier. 

at a different time, he remembers poking his face. it was rough, like little needles. it usually wasn’t like that, but mike wanted a change. so he poked and poked, until his human disappeared into a different room, then he poked some more, until he watched his human take away the roughness. mike smiled at him, purred, and he continued to rub his face against the soft skin. 

mike also likes the cap, something that his human put on his head one day. boxes surrounded the entire home, and for a moment, mike was afraid he was going to be taken away again. but no, his human started putting stuff into it. clothes, mike knew. his human put the cap on his head, and it weighed a lot, so he lied down with it on. it was big, but it was warm, and he felt safe. home. 

his favorite thing to do is to sleep next to his human. he’ll curl up next to him, give him warmth and receive warmth in return. sometimes his human cries, so he makes sure to wipe them away with his paw. his human will whisper things that he doesn’t quite understand, but he’ll smile, so they must be good. 

today, his human brought him to this open field. with a big red building, with white x’s on it. another animals are here, cows, pigs, sheep, chickens. he forgot how much he liked to chase chickens. mike purrs as he runs throughout the open grassy field, the wind against his fur so cool. after running around, he stretches out and lies down, tiredness settling in. from above, his human laughs, before sitting next to him, cradling him. he wished he knew his name. to mike, his human was like the sun. sunny and bright, especially now. he hopes his name was something like that. 

mike moves to hold his human instead, because he thought his human needed it. he hated seeing this sunshine in pain, he’d feel it too. heavy and dark. mike closes his eyes. 

he holds his human, and hopes that one day, all the hurt he holds in his heart, goes away.

**Author's Note:**

> i got inspo 4 the farm idea from this fic, [context](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11785884/chapters/26577402)!! i love it sm pls read


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